Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Warning: Angst Ahead

I feel kind of bad posting this, because I had promised myself that the blog would be about the lighter things in my life.  But this has been kicking around in my head for most of today, and I'm hoping that, by putting it down in writing, I can exorcise a particularly ferocious demon.

I don't really go around sharing a lot about my ex.  My relationship with him was very tumultuous.  Hell, I'm going to tell the truth and shame the devil (to borrow a phrase from my granny)-it was abusive.  I'm still very reluctant to discuss the details, I've only ever been able to tell the Big Dude and B.  Part of my hesitation is because I feel very ashamed for allowing myself to stay put for so long, and part of it is fear of retaliation.  My ex and I have a distantly friendly relationship, and I'm sure that, if he were to see this, there would be lots of anger.  And while I still fear that anger, I also feel that, for my own sanity, I need to get this off my chest.  I'm tired of being afraid.

I'm also tired of the trust issues I have now.  It makes it very difficult for me to open up to people, even friends that I've known for years.  Unfortunately, my poor, tolerant BD often gets the brunt of my issues with this.  I call it my "sneaky hate spiral", as inspired by Allie at Hyperbole and a Half.  BD goes to the Crew games, and pre game activities, as his main social outlet.  I know exactly where he is, who he's with, and what he's doing.  He's never given me a reason to distrust him.  Logically, and emotionally, I know this.  But when he's gone, sometimes this little voice will pipe up in my mind, and tell me all about the horrible things he might be doing.  It frustrates me so badly, because it'll sometimes totally emotionally wreck me.  BD is so supportive and reassuring, but it's not fair to him to have to keep putting the pieces back together.  I've been trying so hard to move on from it, but every now and again, it comes back.  It happened today.  And I'm sure it'll happen again.  All I can do is keep fighting, and keep trying.

In many ways, I feel a lot stronger than my past.  I've overcome a lot of my fear and insecurity.  I'm in a place that's healthy and happy.  I feel mostly healed, but this one issue is the deepest scar of all.  And I think that was the cruelest thing that one partner can do to another in a relationship-destroy their ability to trust.  I'm glad that he made some necessary changes in his own life, and is in a healthy relationship of his own.  But it makes me angry that I let it happen to me.  I wish I could tell my ex what he did, rage at him for it, but I'm not sure it would matter now.  I wish I could tell the world what happened.  I know that there are people out there who knew us as a couple, and think that I just left my husband for whatever selfish reason.  But I can't let it rule me another minute.  One way or another, I'm going to overcome this last hurdle, and I'm going to be a kinder, more compassionate person for it.  And wherever I go in life from here, I'm going to kick ass.


PS-read the link up there, it's pretty funny.  This is a pretty serious post, and I'm incapable of being serious for too long.  :-)

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